February 2012
2 posts
Can you hear me now?
If there’s one radio guest that you don’t want to have to try to engage in a lengthy technical discussion from the other end of an ISDN circuit five thousand miles away it’s probably the diminutive top-heavy country songwriting legend Molly Carton. But that’s another story.
And if there’s a man on this planet who you would least rather have an “is your radio...
Class Masters
One of the many billion things I love about my job is that I get to work with some of the loveliest, funniest, cleverest and most creative people around. Once a year now the music recording studio doors are cast open to a selection of aspiring songwriters, musicians and producers so that they can share in the joy and pick up some tips and it’s all streamed on the internet for the general...
January 2012
1 post
Angostura Britters
Followers of this blog may recall the time I helped songwriting legend Bach Bertrach out of a fix by giving him a green teabag. Or perhaps the time I broke open my new box of Yogi Cold Season herbal tea to give a bag to songwriting legend Roy Davis. No? Well never mind. Now I bring news of a brand new celebrity drinks-related anecdote. Which, as many of these stories go, is just a shameless...
December 2011
2 posts
Underground burrowcasting
Absolutely loved the juxtaposition today of a slightly testy atmosphere of a room full of grown men with cameras navigating the logistics of filming a bunch of blokes wearing cuddly classic Wimbles outfits miming their new single live on the radio, and everyone taking it all a bit seriously. A discussion breaks out about whether or not it would be acceptable for The Wimbles to muck about in shot...
November 2011
3 posts
“I do not ‘constantly abuse’ you.
(pause)
I SPORADICALLY abuse...”
– Top Cat to producer
October 2011
4 posts
“How are you getting on with that plate-smashing music?”
– Producer to assistant
Seven Years Of Peaking Six
“O.M.G. I was working on this very show exactly SEVEN years ago today’” I say to Dave Wrong yesterday on the anniversary of DJ Reel’s passing, shellshocked by the memory.
And - lets face it - i am also a little bit shellshocked by the fact I have been working on this show for SO long…
“Were you?” says Dave.
“Yes, it was me and Gary, I remember it vividly” I recount. “News broke at lunchtime. We...
Line-level Cowboy Blues
How odd that one of the potentially best recordings of the year should prove to be, well, so dysfunctional. Families on the road can be, I guess.
There are a few things necessary to secure a well-received live concert and broadcast which the industry take for granted. We do things in a certain way for a reason and when convention is broken it can almost seem to be a lesson in how not to go...
Dandy Line Mind
The parting of a celebrity and their mobile phone is a traumatic moment. But all guests at a radio station have to go through this step. Most opt to leave it with a minder in the control room. Others take it in, but turn it to silent or off.
Our guest this morning is wild-eyed, wild-haired, comic monitor lizard Buzz Bailiff, who adopts a typical leftfield approach.
“Paranoid about the...
September 2011
4 posts
What A Carry On!
It is nearly 10am and I have arrived at The Mothership to record links for a radio documentary. When I reach the studio, the compact cheeky cockney treasure Joan Britain is already there. She and the producer are sitting in swivel chairs discussing the script.
I say hello and go to offer a handshake to Joan by way of introduction. But, darn it, I’ve gone for the wrong gesture. It is...
Another day in the office
Wake up at 4am, 40 miles drive in the dark, arrive at work, move some faders, drink a lot of tea, Top Cat arrives 30 seconds before TX, show Verucca Salt the talkback button, sign News Shmu’s birthday card, shake hands with the lovely Sally Jensen, air kiss Top Cat’s unshaved beard, harmonise on ‘happy birthday’ to News Shmu, set up a vegetable spot FX mic for John Wayne,...
August 2011
2 posts
"I seem to be bereft of tea" says Top Cat.
"There's one on it's way" replies Top Cat's producer.
"On it's way doesn't do it for me" protests Top Cat.
“Look at the state of me! I’m in showbiz for crying out loud!”
– A dishevelled Dave Wrong after spilling half a tub of soup on his shoulder.
July 2011
5 posts
Sunday morning blessings
It’s Sunday morning and I am back in the studio after getting married.
“So, how was it?” asks Jerry Wobegon.
“It was amazing, brilliant, the cake collapsed and I didn’t care, it was great!”
“And is your other half in the industry?” says Jerry.
“Sort of. In audio, but not show business” I reply.
“And will you be starting a...
April 2011
2 posts
Don't I Know You?
Charming Timothy Scissorhands the Victorian scarecrow is back in the building to give an interview about his new Hollywood movie. This is the first time I’ve seen him since fading up the last telephone balance unit of his radio career.
Timothy enters the studio. He says hi to The Team and gives me a really long hard puzzled stare.
“Don’t I know you?” he exclaims.
“Yes,...
March 2011
2 posts
Smashey and Nicey were quipping relentlessly for about five hours on the trot during our studio recording today.
Smashey: I met the singer Frank Munro once, lovely bloke. Have you met him?
Nicey: Yes I have. I thought he was a bit of a letch actually.
Smashey: Oh, I didn’t know he slept with you too! And I thought I was special!
and so it went on…
Not So Goods Lift
Noah’s Ark - one of the nicest (and talented) young bands you could meet - came to make history at the world famous Maid Of Orleans Studios today. ’Twas a pity then that their lovely gear got stuck in the ancient goods lift. The same band who famously had £100,000 of lovely vintage gear stolen from a trailer a few years back. Undeserved gear karma, I’d say.
The lift in...
February 2011
1 post
A Day In The Life Of Equipment Faults
February can be a tricky and sticky month. God only knows why. Everything has gone awry with our trusty studio equipment.
Reliability is a very important quality in man, animal and machine alike.
In the last twenty-four hours my colleagues and I have been involved in a head-spinning, plate-balancing performance of fault-finding, fault-reporting and confusion-diffusion. And of course nothing...
January 2011
3 posts
Ventriloquism On The Radio?
Today I arrived at the theatre to work on a radio comedy show in front of a live audience. Imagine my delight to discover one of the guests was going to be with 70s ventriloquist sensation Nigel De Saucie and his sidekick Nooky The Dog.
We didn’t put a mic out for the dog and I kind of regretted it. Sort of gave the game away to the audience. I’m not sure if radio’s quite...
Diddy or Diddny?
A good colleague of mine called Nick notoriously asks a big hard rapper:
“Would you like a cup of tea Mr Dogg?”.
I am excited to hear how his session with P. Doddy goes today. Nick is threatening to slip in a reference to Ken Didd and his Doddymen.
December 2010
1 post
Typhoo Sunset
Quite often visitors to the studios have unfulfillable beverage requests, generally involving honey. Nothing outlandish, just something falling just outside the corporation staples of tea, weak coffee or water.
When songwriter Bach Bertrach visited the arts programme a few years ago he asked for green tea. I was able to magic a sachet out of my old kit bag. Today lead singer Roy Davis came in...
November 2010
2 posts
Ivor Tenor: I'm going out to get myself a coffee. Who wants one?
Ricky: Are you getting proper coffee?
Ivor Tenor: I'm a household name, Ricky. Of course I'm getting proper coffee.
October 2010
1 post
Take Four (Shoes Off)
I get to work with young Jazz Hands for the first time this evening. Midway through the recording session we start getting terrible spikes through the mixing desk on the CD player channels. This results in a massive BANG that nearly blows up the loudspeakers. I don’t have a clue what is going on. So I try to address the problem whilst keeping the show going.
Jazz comes into the cubicle....
June 2010
1 post
Studio Pickpocket
This morning I am asked to rig some FX mics for John Wayne’s Show, something which happens from time to time. A pickpocketing magician is brought in to demonstrate how distraction techniques can be used to pickpocket the presenter. For radio.
In the rush to rig a coincident pair of 414s I leave my mic cupboard keys on the side in the studio. Later on I search high and wide for them to no...
January 2010
1 post
Meditation On The Radio
Another classic John Wayne phone-in today. I got a message before the show to set up a cushion with a mic next to it, so I knew it was going to be good. Turned out to be a live meditation demonstration. Hmm, on-air silence, could be interesting.
A very funny scene ensues. The guest keeps trying to get John to relax and stop him from talking. The slight problem being that this is a live radio...
August 2009
2 posts
The Most Exciting Rhythm Section In Africa
Clarys has invited an african dance band to play, they are billed as ‘the most exciting rhythm section in Africa’. Problem is, they left the drums at the South Bank and brought a Korg keyboard and a bass guitar instead.
“Where’s the rhythm section?” whispers Clarys.
“Right there!”, I say, pointing to the bassist. “Oh, and they click their...
How Not To Brief Your Guest
Indie rockers Panacea are playing in the kitchen today, it’s a special filmed one. They’re one of those bands who have been around the block and just have a trusted touring tech, in this case Bill, to liaise with the inhouse engineer i.e. me. We get everything sorted before the band rock up. Barry Moloko the singer arrives last. He’s wearing sunglasses, always confusing for...
July 2009
1 post
Toilet Humour
Norwegian chiselled rock god Horten Market from 80’s pop sensations Yoo-Hoo! came in today. I met him and his vast annoying entourage at reception. I sent half of them up in the lift, and when the others opted for the stairs I realised it was only me and Horten to take the ride. Oh, pants. Lift smalltalk. My favourite.
Fortunately Horten is carrying a magazine. This may be a way in!
...
June 2008
2 posts
“Me: “Does your guitar have a pickup?”
Kurly Friedlich:...”
– Kurly Friedlich formed his first band in 1966.
“It’s simple. Nothing complicated. Just simple country music. ...”
– Kurly Friedlich during soundcheck, before the arrival of the producer.
April 2008
1 post
A Voyage Of Discovery In the Kitchen Of Love
Late 70’s psychedelic punk rockers Another One Alone are booked in for a vibe session. The producer has warned me it’s going to be full blown and very noisy. Despite this, the band plus entourage arrive in reception carrying two acoustic guitars, a snare drum, a bass guitar and the smallest bass amp I have ever seen.
Upstairs, noone is in a hurry to get any work done. The boys...
September 2007
1 post
Live Through This Mayhem
It’s charming Victorian scarecrow Timothy Scissorhand’s show live on Nation’s Favourite. Indie rock widow Chardonnay Hole shows up as an impromtu guest. She enters straight into the studio through the corridor (not via the cubicle) while the mics are open and starts chatting with everyone like she is at a party and not on a live radio show. Timothy makes a joke about it and...
June 2007
1 post
Misheard Travel
I am on air on the early Nation’s Favourite breakfast show. The travel news is being read at breakneck speed. The M25 in trouble again. A little voice comes on the talkback.
“Did she say ‘cockwise’?” It is the voice of Jerry Wobegon.
May 2007
1 post
Broadcasting A Vacuum
Some of the cleaners at work don’t seem to quite realise what’s going on, poor things. They are often trying to get into studios to empty bins while we are In Network.
Since they refurbished the studios, some have doors going straight in without first having to pass through the cubicle for permission. Not good. Apparently Catering wheeled a tea trolley straight into a the middle of...
February 2006
1 post
My Early Morning Double Network Cricket Hell
After two hours sleep, I rise at 1.30am to go to TV Central and put the cricket special on air on digi station Spextra, and simultaneously to LW and the world.
Entering this particular studio is a bit like entering Narnia, but less magical.
At 0535 the line drops off. Scuffle.
At 0545 the entire studio desk loses power. I am alone in the middle of the night. I call the engineers and control...
October 2005
2 posts
Gone To The Dogs
The presenter owns a greyhound called Give Us Yer Money. He is running in 9.15pm Peterborough race. He tips the producer that the dog is likely to win the race. Yeah yeah says Sarah. She puts on a tenner anyhow. Andy puts another tenner on. George and me put on fivers, as does Mike.
After we come off air Paul checks the results on his laptop. Our dog came in first. Drinks all round.
Boogie Bolland's Big Bang
Seeing as I announced to my colleagues at breakfast that I was going to write my memoirs then I better get started.
We were at The Beach Ballroom in Aberdeen last night. Ten minutes prior to live transmission, The Boogie Bolland Big Band started playing and power was lost to the house. I realised what had happened as soon as my comms went down, as they run via the stage crate. The monitor...
April 2005
1 post
Double Bugger
I inadvertently broadcast the words ‘Oh bugger’ to several million international listeners.
The producer had last minute placed the wrong (unedited) version into the programme running order. Halfway through the report about racing the reporter breaks down and then says the magic words.
I had an entertaining time filling in the off-programme report.