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TJ has left the building. clears throat “HUH!”

Thu, 24 May 2012 15:14:36 +0100

TJ has left the building.

*clears throat*

“HUH!”

It's been emotional...

Tue, 15 May 2012 00:00:00 +0100

It’s been an odd day to polish off a whirlwind week. OK, so my week finishes on a Wednesday, but that’s radio.

I’m very proud of Little Sister Radio, who had a mighty axe hovering over her head last year and not only dodged it, but also ran off with the biggest award in radio last night. Everyone in the building was fired up about it today. It felt like the day after an office party, everything louche and open and skew-whiff.

Awards ceremonies remind me of school prize evenings. Take a glass of richly-deserved recognition and lace it with a trace of embarrassment, a pinch of paranoia and a smattering of sour grapes. On the whole, technical staff are not much involved in these things. Having DJ’ed at several departmental parties I can vouch that a room full of engineers is not the most happening of places. Imagine, if you will, of a room full of (mostly) men standing by the bar and swaping wild stories about their latest home computer network solutions. As a group, we don’t do ‘emotional’ very well. For this reason, I’ve spent years watching colleagues getting excitedly dressed up for the ball and then carried on with the hoovering. All very Cinderella, but when the stuff hits the fan it’s a mighty safe place to be. No more so that when I was trapped inside the eye of the hurricane which was the crazy public outrage following a certain Timothy Scissorhands show I worked on. Welcome to life in the blind spot, so close to it all, but totally invisible.

Today I rise at 4am, get in my taxi cab and immediately recognise the driver: it’s Paul: reliable, portly, not too chatty. But he usually drives an MPV not this Prius. I get in behind the passenger seat. ”New car?” I ask. ”Yep, hate it, too many bells and whistles” he says. And sure enough, around South Mimms service station he bounces off the side of a textiles lorry whilst overtaking it. I gasp, but it’s immediately apparent that there’s nothing to worry about. A flurry of pulling over, hazzard lights and two men shouting ‘mate’ at each other. I phone to alert the duty manager, but I’ve got a buffer time in hand and we’re soon sailing through the photographer’s dream of sunrise over London. I contemplate the so-called best part of the day and the pros and cons of being up for it.

So I get to work. Top Cat was not only the presenter of last night’s prestigious radio awards but winner of a top award so I am prepared for this. The producers on this show are very disciplined people and left the awards early to be on form for all the challenges the show presents. Even Top Cat, who usually cuts it fine, is fifteen minutes early, although he’s looking rather crumpled. As I come out of the big disabled toilet he is standing outside waiting to come in to camp out and read the papers, jump on the spot, tweet, and all his other normal rituals before addressing the nation. I receive the usual namecheck for being on “the bells, whistles, levels and faders”. Unlike Paul the cabbie, I quite like bells and whistles.

After the show an unusually stirred but still goy-gious News Schmu comes in to apologise for the ‘japanese’ she levelled at production during what was just an off-morning for her. We chat about whether the awful lady in the news should go to prison or not, then I go out for an egg butty and coffee. On my way back in, I spot the wonderful Bob The Balancing Cat sitting on his owner James’s shoulders in our very own doorway. Always a good omen. Meanwhile, an emotional-looking Maso Mercury has just come off air and is leaving the building. After last night’s victory, he seems to be precisely the type of person who would appreciate being shown a performing street cat, so I point him out. I’m sure you will appreciate this too.

http://littlelondonobservationist.wordpress.com/2012/04/17/bob-the-big-issue-cat/

My next little job is to edit up the little pieces of ‘smoke and mirror’ belonging to the crazy imaginary radio world of host Dave Wrong. Ron Wobbleboard comes in for an interview and plays his wobbleboard. The interview wraps and the turns stand around discussing the various incarnations of said wobbleboard. Next, a somewhat cheesy American singer with a once-big nose comes in. He has had way too much plastic surgery. The pressure of looking at his face for fifteen minutes clearly gets to Dave. After the singer has departed, he vents: “Creepy doesn’t cover it!”

Through the window into the next door studio I can see that Waylon Wine has missed his live two-way slot with Zen Hoots, confirmed by the rare sight of a member of the Wine production team sitting at the guest mic to trail the show on national radio. At the end of this, Waylon arrives wearing a leather jacket and not his usual smart suit jacket. Hmm, definitely a wonky day.

Finally, on the way out I bump into Adam and we have a little debrief from Ta-Dah! which was a massively stressful but fun exercise in trumpet-blowing which I worked on last week. It already feels quite some ago. On my way home hailstones bounce off the roof of the train as I listen back to a live show I worked on last month about the sinking of a famous boat. It already feels like a hundred years ago, such is the variety of events that have been taking place in my radio life recently. I think it’s time for me to switch off now.

The day after the madness of Ta-Dah! (I suspect there’ll...

Sat, 12 May 2012 22:48:36 +0100

The day after the madness of Ta-Dah! (I suspect there’ll be more of this later) I am sent off on a 13-hour orchestral outside broadcast in Watford to recover. Luckily most of the mics are still rigged from Ta-Dah! There is, however, the overhanging issue of muffley timpani to address. I clamber up the rostra, sneak in to the percussion row, drop the mics. Not wanting to disturb the Timpanist during his moment of glory, I find myself trapped behind the bass drum for the duration of 007 Thunderball - BIM BOM!!

The empty theatre falls quiet as anthemic piano-rockers Eagere...

Tue, 08 May 2012 08:34:39 +0100

The empty theatre falls quiet as anthemic piano-rockers Eagere and wily radio DJ Jane Smiley gather for a post-soundcheck interview. And around them their sunlight-design backdrop politely communes with the art deco house lights.

"Right, let’s get these cornflakes laminated!"

Tue, 01 May 2012 05:38:07 +0100

“Right, let’s get these cornflakes laminated!”

- Producer of the early breakfast show on the nations favourite.

The very latest in quiz buzzer technology.

Tue, 17 Apr 2012 21:47:57 +0100

The very latest in quiz buzzer technology.

Deserting A Sinking Ship: it’s 4am and I’m just on...

Sun, 15 Apr 2012 03:59:25 +0100

Deserting A Sinking Ship: it’s 4am and I’m just on my way home after quite possibly the most challenging live broadcast I have ever worked on!

Photo

Thu, 05 Apr 2012 19:37:20 +0100

All set for modfather concert live transmission!

Thu, 05 Apr 2012 18:28:02 +0100

All set for modfather concert live transmission!

THREE @soundwomen in the crew at Queen Liz’s today....

Mon, 19 Mar 2012 17:35:57 +0000

THREE @soundwomen in the crew at Queen Liz’s today. Unheard of!

Diva Fever: Yesterday the partied-out artiste was carried whilst...

Mon, 19 Mar 2012 16:23:00 +0000

Diva Fever: Yesterday the partied-out artiste was carried whilst LYING ON A SOFA from another room to be placed in front of her sparkly microphone for technical rehearsal. Today is another story as we sail very much alive and live-a-live-o into another successful radio transmission. Meanwhile, I’m exhausted after a very stimulating run of work. Hey, somebody call me a sofa!

All set for KP - nuts!

Mon, 19 Mar 2012 12:01:50 +0000

All set for KP - nuts!

Ten year party for Little Sister Radio. Note the nicely branded...

Fri, 16 Mar 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Ten year party for Little Sister Radio. Note the nicely branded lighting.

Mr Soxon’s guitars are so lovely, they look like an A-Z of...

Fri, 16 Mar 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Mr Soxon’s guitars are so lovely, they look like an A-Z of history’s best electric guitars. They are even kept in alphabetical order!

Mr Soxon gets his rocks on.

Fri, 16 Mar 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Mr Soxon gets his rocks on.

Just spent twelve hot, long but fascinating hours babysitting a...

Sat, 10 Mar 2012 23:59:00 +0000

Just spent twelve hot, long but fascinating hours babysitting a film crew recording a fictitious radio session for a feature film. I understood one of my jobs was to help consult on authenticity, but it soon became apparent that I was taking it all far too literally… “But why would you want the groupies to be wearing headphones in the control room instead of listening via the lovely loudspeakers?” I ask the director. “Artistic licence” he replies. “Oh I get it - you want it like the Helifex adverts!” I reply, with a wink. Anyone who has ever had to put up with my technical critique of Helifex ‘radio station’ advert authenticity will know that I have truly had my come-uppance for being the nerd I am. Ended up with an acting part - wearing headphones in the cubicle no less!

‘The Blob’ has landed!

Sat, 10 Mar 2012 10:06:58 +0000

‘The Blob’ has landed!

A Woo Story

Fri, 09 Mar 2012 08:37:23 +0000

So, here - by popular demand - is a little tale about an influential US hip-hop collective called the Woo Woo Gang and a bunch of live sound engineers.

It’s my first year of working on the main stage of Mudstock Festival with some of the world’s biggest rock bands. My job is to be up on stage in constant communication with our expert balancers in the backstage sound truck to assist in the line checks. High profile, high pressure and at times a stressful and noisy environment. The sound is being mixed not only to a massive crowd, but live to radio, live to TV and so on. Teamwork amongst the stage and truck crew is key in this kind of situation. You need to get on with everyone, pick your moment carefully and get your point across concisely.

Having just got married, I had had little time to mentally prepare for the job ahead. I literally had unpacked from honeymoon, thrown some stage blacks and a leatherman in a suitcase. In the moments before leaving the house, it inexplicably became a priority to plug my name into the Woo Woo Gang Online Name Generator and see what it came up with. Aptly it seemed, ‘Wacko Pupil’. So, I then searched for my teammates’ names and shared the results with them in the car on the way down to Mudstock - much amusement all round.

On arrival, more Woo names were quickly attributed to our colleagues working on other stages. By the next day the main stage PA crew also had their own Woomonickers. It was decided that we would refer to each other solely by Woo nicknames on the talkback: Scratch, Conq, Smiley, X-Pert, Wacko and so on. Anyone not using the correct name was snubbed. This added a game element to an already pretty complicated task.

Woomania rolled on and on. Even certain hit producers visiting the truck were entered into the Woo Name Hall Of Fame. Scratchin’ Leader, Ruff Begga, Arrogant Conqueror, Thunderous Menace, Pesty Mercenary, Undiscovered Bum, Bittah Contender - the list pinned up in the truck became longer and longer.

By the time the Woo Woo Gang hit the stage, Woophoria has reached fever pitch. It’s a joy to witness the moment that two coincident yet separate worlds collide. Made funnier of course by the fact that only fifty percent of the participants are in on the joke. At the side of the stage is a band dressed in trainers and dressing gowns holding bottles of champagne. They are doing little gangster jogs in readyness to run on looking all tough and hard. Meanwhile, just metres away from the real deal is the sound of Scratch calling out to Fearless on open talkback. And Fool is sat at his laptop generating more Woo names.

Just funny.

Desk Of The Week (Day 7): FOH position at Loko.

Thu, 01 Mar 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Desk Of The Week (Day 7): FOH position at Loko.

Desk Of The Week (Day 6): Yup, it’s this beauty again!

Wed, 29 Feb 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Desk Of The Week (Day 6): Yup, it’s this beauty again!